Guest Post: Consent and the Derail of False Accusations
This was an excellent post on Fetlife by @hockeysub08 that I asked to repost here, because I felt it was really relevant to discussions about consent and how to move forward.
Also, for some reason the title makes me imagine that Consent is the name of a steampunk adventuress, examining why the train of Accountability derailed at the town of False Accusations.
Maybe I’ve been doing waaaaay too much of this and need to step away.
Consent has become the topic of the week again, and for good reason. However, when those of us start to try to address issues of abuse and predators in the scene – there always come a slew of derails in the form of the “I agree but (false accusations/ manipulative bottoms/ what about the [men/ doms/tops]).
Here is what I need to know, honestly and truly. To those who are saying these things, is that what you really think of us? Is this what you really think of your fellow people in the scene?
This may seem like a weird topic, but I need to ask it. Those of us who are spearheading this discussions are coming from a place of reality and shared history. We are coming from direct personal experience. We are coming from pain. We are coming from abandonment, apathy, and downright hostility from our community. It is real. It is current. It is now.
We have lost safety. We have lost friends. We have lost lovers. We have lost time. We are still losing by taking on this conversation. But we do it, because we know what its like and for me, I will do everything I fucking can to make sure that no one else has to lose.
Then the masses come in. What about false accusations, they say. Well, what about them? Its a hypothetical. Yes, it can happen however it is rare. In the meanwhile, we are seeing slews of stories of abuse. So I need to ask to those who are worried about false accusations to look around you. When you say that someone may falsely accuse, therefore the consent efforts are harmful- it is implying that this is a problem in Boston. That this is a real problem in our scene. So tell me, who you do think does it? Why do you think it is a problem? Can you tell me via private message who these people are so I don’t play with them? Please, do this. I really want to know where this epidemic is happening because somehow my ladybrain has missed it.
Or do you think that once we get a consent culture, your friends, lovers, play partners are such manipulative, selfish people that we’ll start seeing a slew of false accusations appear that moment that a consent culture becomes an actuality?
Here is the thing. Our society teaches us that some people are inherently untrustworthy. That women are hysterical and overemotional and manipulative. We have these things for all marginalized identities. This is where the myth* of false accusations comes from.
When there is a discussion on rape, abuse, predators and survivors and people come in and say “but false accusations”, it is saying that the discussion over false accusations is more important and takes more precedent over the discussion of abuse- despite it being incredibly rare and despite abuse being reported left and right. Take into accounts that many reports of “false accusation” are actually true events that are just not believed and then the derail gets even more insulting. Also, in my world- rape is a much more serious crime than slander.
Look, I care about reality. I care that almost every person that bottoms in the scene that I know has been abused. I care that these people are suffering. I care that it is a very very small number of people doing a great deal of harm. I care that this is an real, current problem. No, I do not care about hypotheticals right now. No, I do not want to hear about how “well yes, these are good things but someone could lie!” I care enough about those who are suffering now that I will take that risk. If this community is serious about consent and serious about supporting survivors, you all need to take that risk with me.
*I use myth of false accusations in reference to the idea that false accusations should take same weight as abuse and that it is a major problem like abuse is.
Tags: BDSM, consent, guest post, personal, rape culture
I’ve been having this same conversation over and over by private Fetlife message as well as watching it go around in circles in the threads in my group. This is what happens:
Person 1: Hey, abuse is a problem. We should talk about it.
Person 2: You know what else is a problem? FALSE ACCUSATIONS. IF YOU START THAT CONVERSATION PEOPLE WILL LIE.
Person 1: I really think the two problems aren’t equivalent.
Person 2: But I have been falsely accused of something in my life and it was harmful to me in these ways. Therefore your point is invalid.
But look, this is why the plural form of the word “anecdote” is not “data.”
Let’s say your buddy Gary Busey is going crazy and spending a ton of money trying to lightning-proof his house. You come over to him and say “Chill, buddy, only 1 in 10,000 people is struck by lightning in their lifetime.” Then I leap out and say, “Oh yeah? Well I was struck by lightning, and now I have no eyebrows, so your point is wrong!”
That’s a logical fallacy on my part, and you saying that my experience is a very rare and statistically unlikely one neither changes nor is changed by my experience. I was struck by lightning, yes, but it doesn’t disprove your point that it happens rarely. And your point that it happens rarely does not invalidate the fact that it happened to me, or that it had a significant negative effect on my life and/or eyebrows.
Saying that the “BUT WHAT ABOUT THE FALSE ACCUSATIONS” argument is a bad argument and a scare tactic used to impugn the veracity of people who have survived victimization that have the courage to come forward with their accounts of the experience DOES NOT IN ANY WAY imply that we do not believe individuals are sometimes subjected to harassment in the form of false accusations of misbehavior or that those false accusations can be really detrimental to their lives in many ways.
I think there are XX problems here …
The first is equating anecdotal evidence with statistical. This falls in line with people who believe that, since they were the targets of a false accusation, it should be given the same weight as actual abuse. This is a “fallacy of accident” where a hasty generalization is derived from a specific case, much like saying that we should consider “caffeine addiction” to be as great a problem as addiction to cocaine or heroin.
On the other hand, just because false accusations are not as great a problem as abuse (and the silence surrounding abuse) that does not mean we should dismiss the possibility and ramifications. It is true that many people will cross boundaries and abuse people, then when confronted about it go into denial; but it is also true that someone will, for whatever reason, accuse someone of doing so even though such an incident did not happen.
This is why many local kink communities have arbiters and/or mediators to assist with settling disputes. And this is also why we have to see the problem as more than merely “X abused Y” or “Y’s accusation is false.” There can be times when X and Y have different perceptions, and a third person is needed to help clarify so that both sides can grow and heal from the experience.
Here is my thought process-
-yes, false accusations happen, and they are a form of manipulation and emotional abuse that is painful for the accused
-when statistically way more people report real crime than false accusations, why do people insist/imply they’re equal?
-if you have a good process for dealing with one type of abuser, it ought be be equally implemented for the other types, right?
-if you don’t have a good process for dealing with one type of abuser, it sounds like you should be joining in the conversation about ways to deal with abuse in your local community
I think yandy’s comment summed my feelings on this guest post up well. And if people were making fun of false accusations the way people are making fun of people reporting abuse, maybe I would feel like they’re more similar instances of abuse. But that’s not happening to my knowledge.
What about actually addressing the abuse that is happening via real processes that have the opportunity to heal the people suffering (victim AND abuser) and the community at large.
I have been in abusive dynamics, my first boyfriend date-raped me, I was in a many year marriage that was abusive (financially, emotionally and (minor incident) physically). I was in councilling for several years in that marriage…then finally left when I felt ready to.
I found this book shortly afterwards…Violent Partners: Breakthrough strategies for ending the cycle of abuse. It was really amazing for me to understand at a deeper level a whole range of dynamics. The woman who wrote it rungs the Center on Violence and Recovery – http://centeronviolenceandrecovery.org/ and I think some of the methods they have developed may be useful to addressing the very serious and real issues that you and others are raising about consent.
Totally agree! And also, focusing on improving communication (verbal and nonverbal) skills and healthy boundaries so that these things can be headed off before they even happen.
I agree, the “falsely accused” argument is a scare tactic, likely perpetuated by people who don’t want their actions being called into question. If you don’t abuse, you’ve nothing to worry about. If your actions aren’t even close to abusive, you have nothing to worry about.
I really am starting to find this topic of the “psycho ex” quite amusing. Not to say that there aren’t very disturbed, manipulative people out there, but it seems that insects positive, ethically nonmonogamous communities, where communication and consent and integrity is prized above almost anything else, then relationships can end cordially. What normally causes extremely deeply hurt feelings, is lying, abuse, infidelity, and severe disrespect.
Treat your lovers right and end relationships with respect and dignity and love, and you won’t have any of those “psycho exes” trying to make a “false accusations.”
My rapist is currently claiming I have made a “false accusations” against him. I haven’t. In fact if you look at my blog post entitled “The R Word” you will see how I I came about using the R word. It was after crippling PTSD after effects, nearly 6 months of agony and extensive therapy, and speaking with four different police officers, nine different sexual assault professionals, and countless friends, before I started using the R word.
Yet, he still claims I’m making a “false accusation.” and there are a huge number of people who believe him. Because, bottom line, people don’t want to talk about rape. People don’t want to believe that one of their friends has raped. People think that I am not acknowledging rape in their community, that it might happen to them.
Newsflash: it might. And they’re certainly a greater chance of it happening to you or your wife or your sister or your lover or your daughter, if we don’t talk about it and start believing the survivors.
It’s far easier to call some woman “crazy” than to believe she actually suffered a fate worse than death.
So, as in so many other things, I think people screaming “false accusations” are trying to protect their “right” to abuse. Without question.
Communication. YES!
Negotiating and respecting boundaries.Not crossing those boundaries without further consent. Being present with your lover. Recognizing if s/he’s not into it. If s/he looks scared. If s/he’s uncomfortable. If she’s crying.